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The Kingdom of God is close enough for you to reach out and touch it, although, we must learn how to feel it.
1. The Loss.
Laying on the operating table I asked the nurse if she saw my “little book girl” a small tattoo on my left arm. She touched it lightly and asked if I like to read.
“Yes,” I answered, then felt I had understated. “I’m actually trying to write a book right now.”
“What is your book about?” A doctor asked.
I paused, wondering what kind of honesty I could share with these strangers. “Ironically enough, it is about the reoccurring pregnancy losses I’ve been having.”
For a split second everyone in the room stopped moving, and tears welled in my eyes. The nurse who touched my tattoo looked into my eyes and said, “We will be here with you.” They were preparing me for another Dilation and Curettage so, the reality of the day hit us all for a second. Then I was asleep.
I woke in recovery, with tears falling down my cheeks. The recovery nurse tried to rouse me but the doctor I had confessed to told her not to. Instead, he suggested bringing my husband into recovery to calm me. This small blessing met me.
Jake found me and took my cold hands in his warm ones. His palpable love dried my tears, and I was able to rest again.
2. The Prayer.
Going through a third pregnancy loss has both broken me and renewed my voice. When the news of my loss hit me, I found myself in prayer.
Lord, help me hold on and move forward.
I need to hold onto my truth, because only in the holding on can I find healing. Although, I’m not gripping to my sadness as I have before. This time, I am holding the losses with my hands open. God, I will hold this, but I am also giving it to you.
In surrendering my loss to Him, I know he will show me the way forward.
3. The Answer.
I have been reaching out to God trying to find him in every day. He meets me in unexpected ways.
I found him in a man singing Irish folk songs to his nurses; in a stranger that listened with compassion and became a friend; in my best friend’s wedding day; in my husband’s arms; in the prayers of my life group; in songs that bring me to tears; in a little girl passing drawings behind her in the church pew; and in a prayer for the desperate by my friend on Sunday.
These people and situations have shown me how incredibly close the kingdom of God is.
4. The Truth.
I wish that I would have spent this pregnancy embracing the joy of being that child’s mom for the short amount of time I held them in my womb . I know though, that one day I’ll find my way to Heaven and when I reach Heaven I will jump into the arms of Jesus, just as three of my babies have already. And it is then that I’ll be able to be their mother again. As Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them!” Luke 18:16. I trust they are being held tightly, in the amazing comfort of our God.
Choosing not to be silent in my suffering has empowered me to find God. So, I am writing this to you so that you may, also. God is walking through each of your stories so that you can come to him.
I am reaching out to you with my arms wide open. I love you, and God does too. You are not alone in your suffering, and I pray that you will find a safe way to use your voice to tell your story. The world needs to hear it, and the Devil cannot fight against you if you are surrounded by a community of believers and people who love you and know who you are.
As Emily P. Freeman says in A Million Little Ways, “I can’t imagine anything more dangerous to the enemy of our hearts than people who know who they are.”
A note for those who are grieving:
I wanted to share a few resources with you that have helped me through these losses.
- Emily P. Freeman’s Podcast “The Next Right Thing” episode 15.
2. Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way
3. Begin Again: The Brave Practice of Releasing Hurt and Receiving Rest
4. A Million Little Ways: Uncover the Art You Were Made to Live