The end of last year shattered me. I broke to the tune of emergency room visits, medical exams, and the news of two consecutive miscarriages.
This fall, when I experienced a third miscarriage, I woke up one morning with tears in my eyes with the thought: this is my breaking, running through my head over and over. This breaking brought me fully into my immense need for God.
Losing my children left me with a cavern of a soul. Everything was empty.
Rather than spending time in the slowness of healing, I wanted nothing more than to be able to press back into my life. Some days I moved forward, the fog of sadness numbed with heavy expectations I held for myself. Other days surprised me. People I didn’t expect met me with hugs and just the right words. Books I didn’t want to read brought me grace and hope and healing. I slowly moved from survival, to acceptance, to grief, to healing. Then back to survival. Healing and faith are never linear.
The movie War Room met me during this time, and an awareness opened up in me. I needed this prayer strategy. I needed to come back to God in this very specific way.
When the prayers stayed posted on my wall, I was given the gift to be able to visually see the work of God in my life.
He was doing things in all the places I didn’t think to look before. And, in response, I was praying in ways I had never even imagined. I learned that a prayer doesn’t have to fit inside of a box to reach our big and wondrous God. I grew up the granddaughter of a Catholic, who prayed beautiful rote prayers at all of the appointed times. I loved the beauty, the ritual of it all, so please do not think I am saying it is wrong. But, I am saying that it was wrong for me.
I needed the raw and intimate prayers. The pleading. The healing. The surrender.
Once I had this spiritual practice, I began to wake up. I woke up to what God was doing in my life. I woke up to what God was saying about my life. I woke up to who God is. I woke up to who I am becoming in him.
God wants this for all of us. He wants you to come fully to him. He wants to hear your intimate prayers. Your raw hurts. Your fervent longings. Your specific needs. Your glorious praises.
He wants you to find who you are in him, so you can wake up to who you are becoming in him.
Jesus came to earth as a delicate baby. He grew up from a toddling boy to a grown man. He walked alongside his disciples as a friend. He loved on the broken, the needy, and the hurting for his entire ministry. He lived a sinless life. Then, was brutally beaten and killed on the cross.
Why would an omnipresent God, who created everything, come down from Heaven in the form of a human child?
He wants us to wake up to this question. Jesus died on the cross, a brutal and horrible death for us. He died for you.
When he was resurrected, he again walked alongside his friends, on the road. They never knew who walked beside them, while they talked about his death. Then he went inside to break bread with them and opened their eyes to who he was. (Luke 24:25-35)
Walk alongside him, ask him to open your eyes. What would it mean to recognize Jesus?
When I used my war room, the Holy Spirit found me there. Grace met me. God swept me out of my sorrow and brought me so many ways to hold on, let go, and move forward.
For those of you that are going through a period of grief, I just want to remind you that you are not alone. If you take this simple practice of writing down your prayers and keeping them, I hope God’s presence will become even more palpable in your life. A few posts I’ve written about grief and healing are You are Not Alone and Five Ways I’ve Found Grace in Healing.
Also, if haven’t yet, take some time this weekend to watch War Room. I’ve got a link to it in my last post, An Invitation to my War Room.
Next week, I’ll be writing a post about how to begin in your War Room.